Between Gardens

I was 26 when we started trying for kids. We were so excited to be pregnant! Until it was hard to get pregnant. And then it was hard to stay pregnant…

Even after our first child was born, the miscarriages were not easier. I put on a happy face and stayed positive. In my effort to make pregnancy a surprise for our family and friends, I didn’t tell anyone we were even trying to get pregnant. And then the story grew so long and felt too sad to burden anyone with. I’d hoped the fear and sadness would just go away.

Every time emotions welled up, I’d tell myself:

“It could be worse!”

“I still have it better than so many!”

“I should be grateful.”

While perspective is important, dismissal is not a coping technique. At some point your inner walls starts to build up around your outside self, and relationships fall apart. With no real release valve, a solution feels hopeless.

Here’s the breakthrough I need every time my thoughts wander into I’m-fine-lane: We’re all equally exiled from the garden, Mama. No one of us is “living our best life” in Eden. We’re all aching and missing our original home with God, and no one of us is farther or closer to this home while we’re here on earth.

You do not have to subdue your emotions for Christ. We were made for goodness and joy, and He is the only one who offers us wholeness again—eventually after death, but in small ways through each other now, here on earth. When I finally started sharing my shame and sadness with my closest mom friends, all the cracks softened and empathy stepped in. I let my friends see me the way God does, and only then was I able to heal.

Don’t be like me and keep it all in. Be brave and be honest about how your world feels with the people you trust. There’s nothing like being sheltered in love by those whom Christ has gifted you.

Emily

Have more time? Psalm 23 gets a lot of clicks, but when I’m aching, it’s Psalm 38 that resonates with my spirit. “Do not abandon me.” Read Psalm 38:8-22 here.