In third grade, my bff and I got in a huge fight at first recess.

I still don’t remember what started it, but what happened after is burned in my memory.

She took off her half of our bff necklace and, when we walked back into class, she glared — I know you can picture this face! — at me as she chucked her necklace into her backpack with a ferocious zip.

At second recess, still burning mad, I defied my rule-following nature to sneak back into the classroom and steal the necklace out of her backpack.

We didn’t make up that day.

When I stomped home from the bus, I sat down on the floor of my room and cried. My mom delicately entered and inquired. “What’s wrong?”

After I told her the story, she didn’t overreact. She didn’t coddle me or even decide who was right.

She just asked, “Do you still want to be friends with her?”

I remember mumbling, “Yes.”

“Then you need to get on your bike, give the necklace back, and apologize first,” she said, leaving me on the floor to ponder.

I hated this advice with my entire being.

Eventually, I did go to her house, give her the necklace, and I apologize first. We made up and stayed close friends for many years after.

But here’s the thing, friends (and I’m ashamed to admit this), into my late 20s, I completely missed the lesson. I thought the lesson was: sometimes you apologize for things you didn’t do because it’s necessary in order to move on.

Ick! Fake apologizes to keep things happy? Yikes. In my trials with God, He exposed the difference between “peacemaking” and “pride disguised as self-protection.”

What my mom was really trying (and succeeded) in teaching me was bravery.

She taught me not to run from hard conversations. To do the uncomfortable thing and move toward conflict instead of away from it. To trust that discomfort would not destroy me, and that nervous conversations are better than no conversations.

Motherhood has a way of revealing lessons you thought were finished, but are still unfolding inside you.

God never wastes a conflict, mamas. When you read the Bible, you can see conflict everywhere, between brothers, sisters, parents and children, leaders, Christians. And in every instance God uses the conflict for His good.

So, don’t be afraid of the hard conversation. Chances are good, the other person (people) are feeling it too. You don’t have to be the first person to apologize. Sometimes, you just have to get on the bike first.

Emily

Have more time? Listen to “I am Barabbas,” by Josiah Queen.