The Shame

I was watching KPop Demon Hunters recently (ok, I know, I know) when I was reminded of a time the cracks came through — literally, I tore my achilles…

Our friends had gotten together to play a friendly, couples pickleball tournament. We brought along all the kids because the venue had a playground. It was one of those most perfect spring days. We were all having fun! And my husband and I were winning (haha!). After years of my body beaten down by childbearing, I’d spent the previous months strength and endurance training. I was finally feeling my age again (only 34 at the time).

During one of the games, my youngest fell and hit her head pretty bad. We stopped the game to tend and nurse her with ice packs and love. But pretty promptly after she stopped crying, I hopped back on the court and started swinging.

Within just a few minutes of leaving her side, I heard a giant, gunshot-volume pop come from my own body. I hobbled off the court. The hours after were a blur. But as soon as the sun went down: Shame.

As I lay up in bed for days after, the voice beat into me much like the demon voices beat into the Demon Hunters at the end of the movie. The lies felt real, not like demon voices, but true ones: If I’d only put myself aside and cared for my daughter. I’m a terrible mother. I’m so selfish.

In a moment of bravery, I noticed the shame and guilt eating me alive and I texted my sister-in-law. I needed help praying and I needed a new perspective. She’d hate that I’m comparing her to Rumi, but she helped me “let the jagged edges meet the light instead.” With her grace and love, I was able to see the event for what it really was, just a bummer. Not a consequence or karma, just something unfortunate that happened to me.

When I let the light touch the shame, I found it was shadowless. It had no legs. There was nothing there but an empty tomb — the promise we have in Jesus. Jesus puts people in our lives to gleam, sing, and dance the light over our shame and brokenness. Maybe demon hunters isn’t the name you want to use to describe these friends in your life, mama, but they’re here to save you from the lies, shame, and fear if you’ll just let them in. “None of us are out here on our own.”

Emily

Have more time? I have one more thought for you re: KPop Demon Hunters. I read in an online review that commentators didn’t like the demons because they were “too beautiful.” My challenge to you is to consider that demons and sin are usually the most beautiful, hardest to spot, and easiest to follow.